Redneck Debate

Finding words to adequately describe a day like today would be nearly impossible. Not many offices can boast such oddities as an entire conversational theme devoted to the discussion of rednecks. All day. And by all day, I honestly mean the entire 8 hour working day has drawn on the theme that began in the first hour.

If you were to ask any of us how the conversation started, we couldn’t tell you. Bethany claims it began something like this…

Amy: “I hate rednecks.”

Ron aka Dad: “You shouldn’t be so hateful.”

Amy: “I say screw you. I still hate rednecks.”

And etc…

I claim it began on at least something of a more tasteful note.

The first question I remember asking was whether the term “P.C.” in a sentence such as, “That really wasn’t PC” means “Personal Computer” or “Politically Correct” in my coworkers’ vocabularies. (Now might be a good time for me to take a poll…what say you?)

The origins of the redneck conversation are unimportant. All I can say is I spent an hour trying to defend why I despise rednecks and then trying to define what I meant by “redneck.” It was determined that I am a close-minded snob who doesn’t appreciate my own roots. I say my roots better not include white trashiness or else I’ll shoot myself. I mean, I tend to describe “redneck” in terms of how much class or lack of class a person has. For instance, my brother lifting his leg to pass gas? Yeah, not classy. The same said brother melting the ice out of a frozen water pipe with a hair dryer across the dining room chairs in his living room? Pretty high on the Redneck-o-meter. Guys who lift their Ford pickups 8 inches and have bumper stickers about hunting and guns and a set of deer antlers to hold their rifles in the back seat of the truck? Pretty much pegs the meter.

My dad said I was just bigoted. At one point, Bethany was even encouraging his rebuttals and I exclaimed at her, “Who’s side are you on anyway?!”

She laughed. “I’m not partial. Whichever side needs the fire fueled. I’m just a pyro. I don’t care whose fire it is as long as it’s a big one.”

There was a couple hour lull in the stormy definition battle as I gathered ammunition on my facebook status. “YES!” I finally exclaimed at one point as a friend defined redneck as, “Anyone who will use duct tape on their vehicle or clothing.”

“Guess that makes you redneck,” Lanette piped in. “I distinctly recall helping you duct tape a torn knee on a pair of jeans a couple months ago.”

Growl.

Defeated again.

The conversation took an interesting twist around noon when a client came in for an auto quote. He and dad had been high school buddies and cohorts in crime. To listen to them reminisce, you would think ghetto-mobiles and 1970’s country kid style was cool.

I say it’s the perfect example of redneck when your car as a teenager required a screwdriver to pop it out of 2^nd gear. Or it backfired 30 seconds after you shut it off and walked away.

In the end I have to defend myself. It’s not that I think the snobby blue-blood superficiality is any degree better than the dirty laz-about in his wife beater, beer can in hand and barefoot wife and snotty-nosed kids in tow.

I have no problem with the average blue collar worker with roughed up hands from a long day at work anymore than I would be the business suit clad professional.  

It’s the extreme’s at both ends of society that annoy me.

And that was the entire point, before it was sidetracked by a dad who is proud of farting in public and dreams of the old 1970’s Rambler he used to drive. Seriously.

Is it too much to ask for people to meet in the middle?

Office Prankster Strikes

If you ever come to work for our agency, be careful to watch your back. Apparently, we hire comedians and pranksters as a general rule these days. Seriously. Nothing is safe.

Today began like any other day. Quiet, uneventful, busy yet boring. The kind of day where you stare longingly out the window at the sunshine and blue sky, wishing to be anywhere but where you are.

And then it happened.

We were halfway through the morning, when I got up from my desk to take a break. I walked back to the fridge in the break room, looking for something to eat as a mid-morning snack. I was gone for maybe 3 minutes. Maybe.

Being in the zone today means I don’t really pay much attention to my surroundings. Unless it’s something obvious, of course. But today there was nothing obviously out of place about my desk when I returned. If only I’d known. I resituated myself (sitting on my feet of course) and took a sip of water from my Smart Water bottle. Been trying to drink more water and less coffee to stay hydrated. You know. Be healthy and all. I turned back to the paperwork in front of me with a sigh.

It was 20 minutes later when my phone rang and I reached to pick it up. It was then I saw something very, VERY wrong.

Keeping company with Smart Water’s signature “goldfish on a bottle,” were two very colorful, very much ALIVE guppies. Oh yes. They were swimming around quite happily in a recently half-depleted 33 ounces of purified water.

I eyed my coworkers suspiciously. They were both concentrating hard on their computers…which one had done this? It dawned on me that I could very easily turn this prank around on whoever it was by acting as if I’d swallowed one of the creatures. Mmm…no good. These were two of the pretty ones. Might be a little awkward going down the pipe too.

“Very funny, guys,” I finally broke the silence.

They both burst into laughter. “You NOticed!!!” Bethany exclaimed. Lanette added, “It was everything I could do not to laugh when you took a drink earlier.” Dad even had a smart remark, “Sushi water! It’s a new fad!”

Gee, thanks guys.

Now I’m paranoid. I had to leave my desk this afternoon to talk to my dad about one of our clients…and I saw Bethany sneaking across the room to my desk. My immediate fear was that she was goin’ for the 2 liter of Dr Pepper I’d made her buy me as restitution. I squeaked a panicked warning out, “Don’t even think about touching my Dr Pepper or I’ll kill you worse than before!”

Back at my desk, I poured two cups of the fizzy goodness. “You’re going to drink one of these,” I threatened her. “You can be my cupbearer. If you keel over and die, then I know you did something to it.” She laughed. “I didn’t touch it, I promise!” I gave her the suspicious squint and raised an eyebrow. “Drink it. I’m not convinced.”

She took a tentative sip and swallowed.

At that moment, LaNette looked over at us and with the most innocent straight face you could imagine, quipped, “Can you taste it?”

We both burst into laughter. I’m not sure who she was accusing of tampering with the sacred beverage, but it didn’t matter at that point. We’re an office full of jokesters. “Look at it as tension relief!” Bethany says.

Look at it as insanity, I say.

Alien nightmares

One of the (many) great things about Monday night Life Groups is the random conversations that always seem to pop up during any given evening.

Two weeks ago, it was anything from whether Carrie Underwood *really* is a Christian to whether aliens exist. Yes, I’m being serious. That really happened.

It was quite the entertaining night. You know those times when people bring out all the freakishly weird things they’ve heard or seen when out in the country by themselves or driving down the road with their mom or read in a book by some brilliant mind.

Things like aliens really being demons. Biblical references to nephilim, who were extraordinary beings that got human girls pregnant who birthed giants, as a support to the demon/alien theory. Or seeing a flying saucer while living in Hawaii…a saucer that incidentally made the news cause many people saw it. Or just seeing and hearing things when out hunting or in the woods by yourself, that weren’t normal.

Great stories.

Here I ought to insert a disclaimer. I’m a city girl. Always will be. I don’t even like *driving* down country roads at night…they’re too dark. ANYthing could jump out at you…a deer, a cougar, a person…an alien. Better to just stick to well lit cityscapes, thank you very much.

So that particular night, I was doing pretty good. I rolled my eyes or laughed at the various stories. My mom and I have this theory that the legendary Bigfoot is a demon too. She had a logger uncle who believed he saw it. Smelled the sulfur even. It’s not the first time I’ve heard about demons showing themselves. My favorite books are by Frank Perreti. I totally believe in this stuff.

I had to drive my friend Bethany home that night…out to Riverside, a little ways down a country dirt road, to where she lives with her family. It’s always dark and I always imagine a deer popping out of the woods. Tonight, I was imagining giant green dudes with piercing yellow eyes, wreaking of sulfur, with lanky arms and legs standing just beyond my sight, watching me drive. If I’d had to drive through a corn field, it would’ve been all over. My nerves were tense, as we had continued the conversation of demons in human form. I felt very exposed in my car that suddenly felt like a moving aquarium, with all its window exposure.

I pulled in to the Stapp’s driveway and the weak stream of filtered light from the porch only seemed to make everything outside it’s feeble reach to appear darker, more hostile. Bethany opened her door and got out. We were still talking, when she laid her hand on the roof of my car and a ring or bracelet made a horrific clunking sound. At that moment my nerves cracked. It seemed that the sound had come from my side of the car and panicked. I couldn’t even look out my side window for fear that a pair of sinister yellow eyes would be staring back.

That was it.

My imagination began playing a scene over…as I faced Bethany, I could hear the thumping footsteps and outstretched green fingers snatching her up to carry her off. I played through my reaction…I hoped she was quick on her feet cause I sure wasn’t coming after her! “Save yourself!!!!!” I would’ve screamed as I slammed the car door shut and shot gravel into the air, peeling out of the driveway. I envisioned green giants chasing after me and catching my little piece of ghetto junk…but somehow I would’ve survived thanks to Bethany’s self sacrifice.

These thoughts played through my mind all through the drive from Riverside to Deer Park. I couldn’t get into the house fast enough and curled deep under the covers.

Needless to say, I made sure that the study friends who started that darn conversation knew the next day, that they were forbidden to ever do that again. I also made sure Bethany knew that, even though I love her to death, in an alien kidnapping situation, she’s on her own. Sorry babe, it’s every man for himself. Heh.

April Fools Revisited...

Apparently I’m quite a gullible individual. Or too trusting. That’s the story I like to stick to anyway.

I always fall for the pranks on April Fool’s Day. Fortunately this year, I managed to only almost fall for one of them. Then I decided it didn’t matter what anyone said, I was going to assume it was a joke. It worked for me.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to pull any doozies on people though. A few years back, I pulled a killer one on my grandma and she fell for it perfectly. If only I could master that trick again.

It was the year after I’d come back from Bible school. Grandma was always worried about my dating life…afraid I wouldn’t find a good guy, or worse yet, afraid I would find one who lived clear across the country. “I just know you’re gonna pick some guy who lives on the opposite coast and then I’ll never get to see you again.” Most days I would just laugh and shake my head at her.

April rolled around that year, and a brilliant idea struck me. Armed with a genuine imitation diamond engagement ring and a mischievous sense of humor, I made the trek into her house with my brother in tow (he’d agreed to playing along with my master deception). The first glitch in my already sketchy plan was none other than my uncle’s car in her driveway. How in the world would I con them both into believing my far fetched tale?! Never mind…it would have to be done.

I hemmed and hawed my way through a nerve wracking 20 minutes before my uncle finally decided to leave and grandma was in my sole powers of deception. I flashed the ring importantly.

“Waaaait a minute,” Grandma caught the sparkle and eyed me warily. “What’s this?”

“Well…” I paused for dramatic effect, “Remember how you were always so worried about me finding a guy when I was away at Bible school? So I’ve been talking to this guy and he flew in to town last weekend. I couldn’t tell anyone til now but…TADA!!! I’m engaged!”

You could tell she was reeling from this piece of news. “Well, where’s he from?”

“Maine.” I didn’t skip a beat. “He actually just moved from Virginia to work for a cruise line up that way. He’s a great guy. We’ve set a date for next April. A year from today actually. April 1^st.”

I don’t remember many of the other details of the conversation, but I do remember she ended the note on, “Well, I guess as long as you’re happy….”

As we drove home, I played the conversation out in my mind. Had I really fooled her or had the impish grin on my face been the tell-tale sign that my story was truly just a whoppin’ big one? Who knew? I would let it simmer for a few hours before calling to let her know the truth.

They were painfully slow hours but finally 4 o’clock rolled around and I picked up the phone. “Hey so grandma…guess what?” “What that, hon?” “Do you know what today is? April Fools!” There was silence for what seemed an eternity.

“You little stinker!” she finally exclaimed. “You were joking with me then? Oh my goodness. What am I going to do with you?”

Turns out, she’d been on the phone that afternoon, telling all the extended family about her newly engaged granddaughter. Heh. Couldn’t have planned it better myself. Nothing like a gullible grandma to make you feel like a master prankster.

I was thinking the other day about how I’d really like to make my very own “bucket list.” It’s a catchy title for a list of lifetime goals, don’t you think? Sounds much more appealing than “things to do before I die.” Ha.

A list like this would always be evolving as you thought of new things, but here are some of the items I decided absolutely have to be on the list…

• See a sunset in every time zone.
• Become fluent in French, German & Spanish.
• Memorize the entire New Testament (and if I accomplish that and am still kicking, the Old Testament too).
• Go sky diving.
• Learn to play golf.
• Write a book that becomes a New York Times bestseller.
• Learn to ride a motorcycle.
• Run a marathon.
• Own a music store.
• Record an album of my own songs.
• Take a trip to Guatemala to visit my “little girl” Marta.
• Build a collection of 1000 books.
• Visit the capitol cities of every state in the US.
• Run for some form of political office.
• Spend a winter on the slopes in Switzerland.
• Test drive a Maserati GranTurismo S. Talk about a sexy car.
• I should probably learn how to drive a manual too.
• Design and sew a wedding gown for someone.

That’s a start. For now. I’m always thinking of new things I want to do though. What would be on your list?